Cause and Effect

Lashing and lashing viciously with the long, infragrant whip of mediocrity

That reaches all the way around the world

And tears at the skin of my back

 

Every mistake

Every misstep

Every selfish act

Every lie

Every ugly word and deed

Every empty victory

Every last thing taken not given

 

With each slap, my very face reverberates

With each punch I throw, I hear the cracking of my skull

Taste the blood through gritted teeth and soaking tongue

Feel the sting of horror-pain self-administered

 

Unpoignant

Inauspicious

Ignoble

Honourless

Disgraced

 

Disgusted

 

 

Even in attempted goodness

Agenda rears its ugly head

 

I got it now!

I know now…

What makes this man want for nothing more

Than to destroy himself

Myself

 

I have come to hate me

I have come to belief every word and every gesture

That points out the absolute wrongness

At the centre of my being

 

Each and any good thought

All self-belief

Discarded like the very many empty bottles

That stains my life

And all I ever hoped to be

 

Overshadowed and cowered

Shriveled up like a weeklong-dead lamb in the cold desert night

Rotting away into the hard, dry, unforgiving frozen earth

 

Here, no more lies

Here it comes

The barbaric, cruel, merciless truth

 

I hate this man I am

I feel naught for him

He is a fake prince

A useless coin of bronze

A mere excuse for bad creation

Wasted and wasteful

Harmful and empty

 

Meaningless and corrupted

 

A flightless bird

Yet not even chicken nor ostrich

More falcon de-feathered by mother’s beak

 

Nauseating

Distasteful

Unpalatable

 

A curse on man and land

 

A vile vapid vulture

A disease on all that is glorious and fine

 

Alone

Afraid

An Anomaly

 

 

And yet

And yet

And yet

 

Before I die

Before I release this cussed

Temporal get-together of badly composed energies and cells

 

Before the much anticipated release

Before the time of joyous unfastening

Before the falling apart

Before the separation

Of bad earth

Bad water

Bad fire

And bad air

 

One good thing must realise

One positive result

One meaningful moment

One gentle word

One true gift

One miracle

One blessing

 

 

 

These foul notions

These disturbing, destructive demons

Fed and powered

By the one I loved the most

Put forward by the ones I cared for

Fueled by the anger and dismay of the people of my heart

These foul demons

Must not get too strong

Must not grow too powerful

Must not deliver the final blow

 

For life is precious

And as summer lightning

Flashes and is gone

Each breath is one breath closer

To the final sword of

No more free will

 

Weak, livid and distraught

Caught between reality and a mule

I struggle forth

Ever aware of the invisible elephant by my side

Chewing on nothing

Like one hand clapping

Plain and extraordinary

Profound and empty

 

I, dazed and lucid

Court extreme discomfort day and night

In her depths I found my sullen voice once more

Not a yelp

And not a whimper

Just pained,

Deep,

Rolling,

Thunder

 

Like so many heartaches

Rolled into one

 

One man

Alone and uncertain.

Scared and fearless

 

Every day another rough mountain

To scale or to lie down

There really, really

Really

 

Is no choice.

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